When the Flame of an Eternal Optimist dies….

Unconsciously choosing to ‘check out’ of life….

All my life I have been chastised for being an Eternal Optimist. Snide remarks came from every angle and unlikely suspects, people I thought loved me. Daggers that lodged themselves into the deepest part of my heart and soul.

It became normal to hear from co workers; “ Are you really this cheerful all the time?” or “ Oh, here comes Ms. Congeniality.” People could not understand that I ‘chose’ to be positive and it was just part of my innate nature.

So, it didn’t come as a surprise that when I had a tough day and my family or friends experienced a less than kind or positive side of me; I would hear remarks of complete disregard for my ability to have an off day, “ Oh, you must be PMS-ing” and “ Wow, what’s wrong with you today?” I wasn’t allowed to have an emotion other than positive.

Eventually, life can take it’s toll.

Work gets hard, people get ugly, friends who you thought had your back betray you for their own selfish reasons. And then the storm happens and it just keeps happening. The snow ball effect is in full throttle and everything is rolling down hill.

The emotional reaction of consciously checking out….Yes, I will say it…the word no one wants to hear or consider as an option for themselves…suicide…the “S” word…

My first attempt was at the ripe old age of 10 years old. I always felt that my older brother was the golden child and could do no wrong. He seemed to get all the attention, while I remained as wallpaper. I stumbled across some pretty pink pills in the bathroom trash. There must have been 1000 of them! Really about 20 pills and I swallowed them all. I was determined to earn my mother’s attention and I did. After I recovered enough from the hospital visit, my butt gained all of the attention of a round of spanking with the belt. Not the result I was looking for….however, it was attention after all.

I started sharing my thoughts of ‘ending my life’ with a dear friend during my teenage years and she quickly dismissed me as ‘hormonal.’ Why must everything be blamed on the chemistry?

I stopped telling people about my thoughts and just started visualizing different ways of ‘offing myself’ and none of the results looked promising…

God forbid I would survive that jump off the 5th floor and spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair! I gave up the visions and opted to get on with life.

When the Flame becomes a flicker…..unconsciously choosing to end life…

Unconsciously choosing to end your life is similar to a state of denial, as though the true self has already left for another planet and the physical self is going through the motions and playing a role that suits the needs of others.

My eternal flame and well of positivity became exhausted in the late 1990’s during a separation from my husband with a long divorce and custody battle. I didn’t acknowledge my passing thoughts or the feelings of wishing I could stop breathing or the relief if my heart would just quit beating. My children were easily won over by wealthy ‘ex’ in laws and I could not compete with their lavish gifts and buying the kid’s affections and loyalty.

My guilt and shame trumped any positive affirmation or mantra I could muster up. I had no energy left to fight.

To add to the emotional pain was a ruptured disk in my neck that was getting worse. I was not aware of the condition, I only knew that my heart was breaking, and the pain in my neck was more than the legal battles I had to endure.

Then the day came that my lawyer quit because I could no longer pay him and the ex in laws kept the battle going with deceptive lies to discredit me, they paid off the judge who ruled me an ‘unfit’ mother. The day came that the sheriffs knocked on my door to take my kids away. I was told I was not allowed to see them till my weekend visitation that would start in 6 weeks.

As my children hugged me goodbye, I gave my best smile and told them I loved them. This was the day my eternal flame was snuffed out….

I left work early that night and made my way to Kmart that was graciously open till 11:00 pm to accommodate late night clearance specials. I wore my sunglasses at night and not because my future ‘was so bright.”

Truth is, I couldn’t visualize the world with me in it or I couldn’t bear to be in the world another day.

I purchased two bottles of 100 count sleeping pills, a note pad and pen. I had tears streaming down my face that fogged up my sunglasses as I headed to the check out line.

I stood in line behind three or four other half asleep customers. A small short curly gray haired woman approached me. She had her Kmart vest on and a name tag that stated her name, “Dottie.”

“Honey, I can help you down her on aisle 7! She said in a soft voice. I started to follow her like a zombie and curiously wondered why no one in front of me in line noticed her or even protested that they should go first. As we got down to aisle 7, Dottie slowly rang up my pills, note book and pen.

“You know, God never gives you more than you can handle.” I heard Dottie say. “”Mmmm…..okay,” I mumbled. “The holidays can be very tough on folks, but someone out there loves you very much.”

Dottie finished placing my items in the bag. I gave her the money and thanked her. I walked away from aisle 7 to the door. For some odd reason, I looked in my bag to see if my receipt was there. Just my luck it wasn’t and I didn’t want the door buzzers to alert security, so I turned and headed back to aisle 7. It was closed.

Dottie was no where to be found. I made my way further down to aisle 12 where the cashier was just finishing ringing up the customer who had been in front of me. “Excuse me, Dottie just rang my things up on aisle 7 and she forgot to give me my receipt…..I just didn’t want to set the alarms off…” I barely had the energy to give further explanation. The cashier looked at me and then looked down at aisle 7. “Aisle 7 hasn’t been open all night and we don't have no Dottie working for us!” The cashier was clearly irritated with me.

Who was Dottie? Did I imagine the whole thing? Was I the only one who saw her? I didn’t care….even if was an earth bound angel who came to pass those kind thoughts along to me in my final hours; it wouldn’t stop me from the course I was on….I didn’t even acknowledge that ‘it’ was a plan….I just wanted ‘it’ to end….my pain in every capacity and this nightmare called my life. No one would miss me…no one gave a thought to me unless they needed something. Just as well.

I arrived home and took out my arsenal of assorted pharmaceutical pills my friends had given me for my neck pain. I poured my first glass of wine and handful after handful, I gulped down all the pills including the ones I bought. I was gagging them down with the last swig from the wine bottle. I just wanted to sleep I told myself. I am just doing this to stop the pain. I just want to sleep….sleep an not wake up….ever.

I crawled into bed and wrote a note to my kids telling them how much I loved them and I was sorry. I held their teddy bears under each of my arms and started praying. I prayed for everyone, I prayed for my peace. Hours went by it seemed and I became aware of my body struggling to do its job. My strong heart labored to beat and twisted in my chest like a rubber band. The pain was fricken unbearable! Why wouldn’t my body just give up?!! Why didn’t I just fall asleep? I just wanted to sleep!!

Lubdub, lubdub…one last labored beat and one last breath left my body. It was silent and no pain…..I was free….

My soul traveled up through my ceiling and the pine trees that surrounded the roof and quickly ascended to a bright light…but just the outside of the light. Not fully emerged and I was met by my grandfather from this lifetime. I recognized him by his eyes. He was young and handsome and I had always know grandpa as old and gray haired. I was so happy to see him! I was embraced in a loving hug.

There was so much love in this realm. I remember ‘feeling’ that it was a good thing my body couldn’t make the trip, because it would explode from all this love I was feeling! There was no time in this place. It was the future, past, present all at once. I was shown my life and how I reacted to every lesson life had thrown at me. Every living thing I had ever been kind or cruel to was shown to me and I got to experience the ‘feeling’ from the receivers end of my behaviors towards them.

There were no races, religions, genders, politics, judgements or anything you would associate with the earth realm. Just a ‘knowing’ and love. I was aware of my body on earth and I could see my dear friend entering my house and I could hear her calling my name. She had a key and had always promised to stop in and crash on the couch if she couldn’t make it ‘down the mountain’ because of the snow. And there she was in my house and found me unresponsive in my bed. The ambulance came and the medics, I could see they were very close in my neighborhood.

At that moment I was given a choice. The feeling was, “you can stay or you can go back, but here is what will happen to your children should you decide to stay.” Two movies played for me. My children at that time were 10 and 12 years old. I saw a movie of my daughter becoming a mother at 18 and an abusive boyfriend and completely miserable feeling. Then I saw a movie of my son going to jail as a teenager and having an equally disturbing life. At that moment I ‘felt” that I didn’t want my children’s lives to play out that way.

I saw the paramedics defibrillate me and instantly, I was sucked back into my body. The rest was a blur. Over the next six months, I slipped into a deep depression. I wanted to go back to that loving place. I had returned to the ugliness of humanity and the reality of my life. The same old problems and tyrants were alive and thriving. It was a battle to get up, to breathe, to find something…anything that was worth living for. My children were the only light at the end of this ‘life tunnel.’ I replayed the movies of them that I was shown during my Near Death Experience. My love and sense of duty to pull my stuffing's together for my kids was a thread I held on to.

Days, weeks and years have gone by since the day my flame of optimism blew out.

My children are in their 30’s and living their lives and avoided the potential scenarios I was ‘shown.’ They are successful and happy, living their lives as they see fit…..and I am still here.

This memory was difficult to share ….

I vacillate between; “I am so grateful for my life” to “I can I get that ticket to the other side now?!” I suppose this is normal for most people….it’s just the ups and downs of life right?

What my Near Death Experince taught me…..

Life is a temporary adventure…time and the space we occupy is an illusion and a creation of our minds and our choices.

We do not take anything ‘physical’ with us….nope….not even your body.

What we do take with us are the imprints of interactions with every human being we came in contact with during our time in this 3rd dimension.

Everything, everybody has an integral part in your life. Even the cashier whose name tag your read and then you smiled and called her by name. Boom! Imprint!! The ant trail you stepped on when you were a kid…because ‘you could’…BOOM! Imprint! It’s ALL THERE!

Accountability, choices, life….it all matters. What we think about expands. I have become a ‘thought police’ for my internal dialogue. Some days I am making arrests left and right! For example, “What’s the point of life?” Bang! Replace that thought Elizabeth…what are you creating right now? (lack of purpose) I quickly replace the negative thoughts with what I want to create.

Slowly, I am returning to my optimistic nature. Although this time, I am more intuitive about it. Somedays are easier than others. I set my intention first thing in the morning before the brain starts analyzing everything. I focus on; what is right in my life, all that I have and the good, bad and neutral events in my life. I am enough, I am here….I chose to be here NOW and I will choose to paint my life with vibrant colors. A spirit having a human adventure. Life can be grand. We are in this together, choose life and live, laugh and be loved. Namaste~