“ I’m just waiting to die…bored with life…want it to be over…” Words you never want to hear…or speak…

Recently a loved one spoke these words to me. Perhaps you have been met with these words from a friend or a close loved one? It is never easy to hear and has a way of blindsiding the receiver….leaving a person dumbfounded and scrambling for the “right words” to say.

The truth is, everyone feels this way at some point of their lives.

I find myself in a position in my life where I feel like I don’t fit in… a round circle trying to cram myself into the square box of life and submit to a plastic version of happiness. Fake it to you make it and it is just all a big act…tell them what they want to hear, suppress your own feelings and just put a smile on your face and conform to what your family wants you to be; what makes them comfortable for THEM…not for you!

Life has become a “habit”……….

Everyday I wake up thinking “shit…same old shit”…work…pay the bills, money comes in one hand and is out the other before you had a chance to grasp it. Is this what life is all about? Work...pay bills…survive the 5 day work week so that you can catch up on your laundry on Saturdays? Get married, have kids, throw your whole life into the grind to give them everything, that they may or may not appreciate in the future. Then sit back and wait for a crumb or two to come your way when they remember you on Mother’s Day…if they remember? Relationships come and go and then….alone…I find myself alone….

The last five months of my mother’s life, she lived with the diagnosis of colon cancer, she refused chemo therapy. I recall her sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hands….coffee cup near by and a game of solitaire cued up on her computer. “Shit…I’m still here..” her words echo in my ears….My mother almost seemed relieved to have a ‘ticket out’ of this life. She told me that at least God wouldn’t be angry with her; because her body would end this journey and do what she didn’t have the courage to do.

OMG! Have I reached the mental state of surrender that my mother demonstrated those last few months…..??

There has to be something worth living for…..

I find this question in my mind rolling around like a marble in a ping pong ball machine….and my mind bounces it back...over…and over again. I am exhausted with finding the silver lining in everything. In the past I have tried every ‘redirect’ of mental energy to side step a pity party, deep depression or a cliff...literally or figuratively….I have tried mantras, meditation, pretending to have a goal or a day dream…or anything that would suggest that I am remotely interested in participating in this hamster wheel life.

Do what you love, do what you are passionate about….well what if you don’t know what that is? What if you just don’t give two flying flocks what that is anymore? What if you used to care and now the bottom of the barrel has your claw marks engraved in it and you just can’t scrape one tiny fragment of mojo together to pull yourself up again.

When you slip into the darkness……….

A friend of mine was staying with me after her partner ended their relationship. Let’s dub her as Tracy for the sake of this story. I came home to find 4 notes in envelopes on the kitchen counter and one had my name on it. I started to read it and as I read the part that stated, “please contact my parents….I want to be cremated…” I dropped the letter and bolted for Tracy’s room. I found that my friend had overdosed.

Darkness has come and with it are tickets to the deep end of the pool. I know it is ME that put me there and no one is going to throw me a rope or even check in to see if I am okay. They don’t care, they are too busy living their own lives and…they don’t know any better. I am a great actress and play the role THEY need me to play, so that they are happy. So, no need for a rope right?

Suffering in silence….

I walk around my apartment, it’s just me….no one needs me for anything. I could drop off the face of the earth tomorrow and maybe in a week or so…someone might ask about me….but they have their lives and I have mine. Oh YIPPIE!! I chose to suffer….I am creating this darkness….how long will I stay here? As long as it takes…takes to what? Till you choose….

There is no light without the dark……

I asked a coworker in a conversation about ‘hopelessness and depression” and that it is such a ‘dark night of the soul.’ Why do we even need to go there? Why do we go to the negative and take the free tickets to the pity party?

We came to the conclusion of the Yin and Yang….

There is a little light in the dark and a little dark in the light……

We can’t appreciate the light without having experienced the dark. There will be dark days; however, there will also be light days. This is the balance in life. It’s okay to score free tickets to the pity party and dive into the deep end and just have a big sulk. Just don’t stay there too long…that’s when it becomes a habit. Then the habits become our lives. So, dive in, reflect, learn….but climb out of the deep end of the pool….and get out of the building. Find your balance and fake it till you make it and I hope we all make it….

Oh..by the way…..”Tracy”….she lived! And….she reunited with her partner and they have the most amazing relationship. There is light…and somedays it just seems very dim…hold on….it’s there…just reach….xxxooo